Understand Me

Have you sat and tried to understand how I feel? Do you care about how I feel ever, what goes on in my head and my heart. You have put me through so much emotional bullshit that I'm afraid to get close to you. I'm scared to death of not being able to survive; with or without you. The things that I have had to deal with, had to go through. I have felt so alone and unwanted, feeling forgotten and abandoned and then having to deal with being locked away for awhile. You have made me forget who I am, made me dependent on you and not myself. However recent events have shown me that I am still alive inside me somewhere I just need to dig deep inside me. I have found little piece of who I am peaking through. Since you have been gone things have changed, I have changed. You have forced me to change my way of thinking, not everyone thinks and feels like I do, I have come to realize the cold hard truth. I don't believe that people ever truly want to shut the world out but it's our nature too these days...I'm just do dam tired of bring the only one with an open mind and not a close narrow one. You tell me one thing and yet didn't really mean any of it, why waste the breaths that you breath?

Really you deleted me? I guess i made no impression on you over these last 5 years that you want to remember. I would never want to delete you from my life you were always the one who made me smile, even when I wanted to cry! We have been through much that wouldn't change any of it for the world, even the shitty parts of what we had. You taught me so much and showed me a part of life that I never knew was there. We were always good together, I wish I knew how it all got so fucked up with us, or when. I wish we could start over so that we could save us in the end of all this hell we know as love. Loading you belongings into your car was like I was losing you all over again, I feel like I have lost you so many times, and it gets harder every time never easier! You tell me your hurting but i would never know it from watching you. You never seem to be anything other than happy, it's me how is a wreck inside and out! I'm always the one who is left heart broken and alone, standing and barely breathing. Wishing that I could stop the pain I get shooting through my chest, wanting to end it all for good. Death seems like it would bring so much peace to my soul, it sounds almost inviting...

I feel us drifting more apart as the days go on...my heart is slowly stopping it's beat. I don't know where to turn these days, I don't feel that I can turn to you. That makes me sad, that I feel this way. The love that we once shared is gone, maybe the question I should be asking myself is "was the love ever really there"? I want to believe that once upon a time there was more love than I could ask for but today I don't think I could say that. It doesn't make much sense I know, to me especially. I feel like im on a downward spiral to my death in so many ways. How can I find my way back to a time that I was happy, to a time when I could trust in you not to hurt me. A time when the game wasn't who could hurt who the most and the quickest. I hate how my life has turned out this is not how I planned to live my life. I blame myself for being where im at today, no one but me allowed this shit to happen. But your not off the hook, I do blame you for a small part; which part im not sure of...but I know that i miss you and I wish I didn't...

I cannot breath without you because I love you. I can only dram of you because I only think of you, you are my reality, my only truth. I'm tired of being strong and not being able to shed a tear. I'm tired of always watching you turn your back and walk away, we are stronger than all that. You always let everyone get in the way, make something out of nothing. I don't understand why it is that you want out so badly, it is because I want to have friends so I don't feel alone like I do. To me the only way that I seem to get your attention is if I am talking to someone you don't approve of...these days that is anyone. I feel that you no longer look for the good in me, your too busy looking for the bad. I try and try to make sense of it but I am driving myself crazy in the process. I love you so much and I hate what we have become, we made it through so much to only end it like this. It doesn't seem fair to me to have had to go through so much pain already to have to go through it all over again! I'm tired of not letting my tears fall and I'm tired of watching you walk away...I don't want to lose you all over again but I still don't know how to stop you...

It has been so long since I have felt your skin brush against mine and I realize that I miss that feeling. There has been so much hurt and so much anger that I'm not sure if I can forgive everything. What happened to us, how did everything fall apart like it did? I hate that I love you but I love that I hate you, does that make any sense...nothing makes much sense anymore. I miss the butterfly feeling I used to get in my tummy when I would see you walk into the room or when my phone would ring. The days when we couldn't stand being apart from each other long enough to go to work for the day, remember those days? I do, I don't want to forget them...EVER! I know I won't forget them because I don't feel that our time together has ended completely, although I'm unsure of what that statement truly means. We still have a long road ahead but I think I'm willing to take it one day at a time.

I can only do my best to try and express how much you are truly missed
Sitting here away from you, with thoughts of when we first met
I try to do my best but it seems to do no good.
Just do me a favor when the sun first rises - sit back and think of me.
If you would, I miss you like you could never imagine
I wish you could be apart of me.
Just listen to my words and one day you will surly see, that one day you are meant for me.
I put my heart into these rhymes, for it's not just me here doing time.
Just know time will pass and we will soon be together again
Trust and believe were now here near our end.
It won't be much longer just a little while more
So do me a favor and whenever I cross your mind think of me and smile,,,