It's so hard to let go of the disappointment ...

You caught me off guard...i would have liked to have had more words with you. But what would I have said to you? Not even sure, but would anything I say actually matter to you? I guess I will never understand your mind, but that is how you like it right?!? Do people dirty before they do you...every guy I know that does dope has the same mind set as the other. Give just enough of yourself to gain that trust but never give your true self. Everything has a purpose, every action a reason...and all bogus bullshit. The game that is played against each of you between yourself already knowing that the outcome is always be the same. It isn't like I'm a complete fool...it's not my first rodeo. Dope fucks up everything it comes in contact with; no matter what lie we try to tell ourselves and everyone around us. I wear my heart out on my sleeve, I will never understand it after all the fucked up shit that I have had to go through these last 10-12 years. I am so naive when it comes to believing in love and the words that I put trust in. I do it to my self at least I can admit that and accept it. I think it shows that I still have my soul, I haven't sold it to the devil like everyone else. I go out of my way to make sure that the ones that I feel close in my heart are as happy as I can help make them...that I will never change, it is who I am. I must love to feel all this hurt, what other explanations is there? I'm not comparing you to anyone else, but all actions are the same in the end and I'm the only one standing alone, because that is all I have. I can depend on no one to keep me safe, to be true to their word, to be a man. I am very disappointed in myself for getting high this time out...I didn't want to and I hope to god that I'm the only one that will deal with it. But I am not going to allow you to be fake as fuck to my face when you show everyone who you really are...I'm not blaming anyone but me for this. One day I hope I will be happy like I deserve to be, when I don't have to stand alone, it wont be a game between friends to see who wins the prize, see who gets fucked harder in the end. I am a complete bitch no doubt but my heart doesn't always have the same thought in mind I'm more hurt at the fact that we were friends first and have been around to help us through a difficult time in our lives without fearing judgment. That's what hurts...I've learned not to let "open relationships" bother me, its the dope that makes it that way, doesn't mean that I'm "really okay with it" it just means that there is nothing I can do to change it, and it's so hard to let go of the disappointment of being only "that good" for someone who really had a spot in my heart...but I'm not anywhere close to being like everyone else and I'm okay with that...

I feel us drifting more apart as the days go on...my heart is slowly stopping it's beat. I don't know where to turn these days, I don't feel that I can turn to you. That makes me sad, that I feel this way. The love that we once shared is gone, maybe the question I should be asking myself is "was the love ever really there"? I want to believe that once upon a time there was more love than I could ask for but today I don't think I could say that. It doesn't make much sense I know, to me especially. I feel like im on a downward spiral to my death in so many ways. How can I find my way back to a time that I was happy, to a time when I could trust in you not to hurt me. A time when the game wasn't who could hurt who the most and the quickest. I hate how my life has turned out this is not how I planned to live my life. I blame myself for being where im at today, no one but me allowed this shit to happen. But your not off the hook, I do blame you for a small part; which part im not sure of...but I know that i miss you and I wish I didn't...